How the Library Summer Reading Program nearly sent me to the Funny Farm

The guilt of motherhood circa 2015 is complex. ?It’s not enough to have your 4-yr old in a Master’s Mini-musicians class, you have to feed them only organic rice krispies while sipping on a BPA-free-non-dairy-no-GMOS-from-the-fountain-of-youth Coconut Frappe Latte. ?One scroll of my Facebook feed and I’m not thin enough, disciplined-enough, didn’t nurse long enough, and to top it off- ?I just let my kids watch 4 episodes in a row of Lego Star Wars. ?Oops. ?(Although I do want 829 points for making them light-sabers out of some rolled up paper and different colored electrical tape- I digress).

So back at the beginning of June when the local library unveiled their “Summer Reading Program” I took one look at the list and headed straight for Mommy’s chocolate cabinet. ?No joke.

 

Are you for real?

The Summer Reading program used to be as easy as pie: ?Read books. ?Write ’em down.

Now we have to read books and make straws float and (gasp) a spider web out of tape and dental floss?

Do these people live in an alternative universe?

I’m?so busy picking up Cheerios from breakfast, oh yes, now let me drape my house in dental floss and scotch tape.?

I need a bag to hyperventilate in.

A few weeks ago at the library one of the librarians almost yelled at me because Olen took C’s Elmo DVD away and she went into a melltttdown?and it took me a minute to figure out what was happening…

I should have told said Librarian, “I’m so sorry for the inconvenience, WE WERE LOOKING FOR THE LARGEST BOOK IN THE LIBRARY SO WE COULD TAKE A PICTURE.”

I can’t even.

Listen, if you are up for this task, kudos to you, Mom. ?You’ve got it together! ?You’re way more disciplined than me! I’m trying to keep the locals from killing each other or me.

If I rub a balloon on my head for two minutes and end up in a dark room, I’m going to that room to TAKE A NAP.

Seriously?

I can’t even read that without laughing.

I’m disowning my parents because my mom didn’t rub a balloon on my head for two minutes and then touch a spoon to it in a dark room. ?She was too busy using that spoon to whoop my sassy butt. ?GOODFORHER. ?I DESERVED IT.

What I didn’t deserve, and what our kids do NOT deserve is constant entertainment, educational schlupp and unreasonable expectations. ?As I told Jackson yesterday, “Your legs aren’t broken, go get it if you want it (thanks mom, that’s one of my favorites).

I’m the first to want my kids to be top of the achievements list (and obviously they are tops in my heart), but I agree with Jen Hatmaker on this one, “It no more occurred to my mom to coddle us Precious Snowflakes than it did to quit drinking a case of Tab a day. If you told my mom to craft a yearly time capsule for each child to store until graduation, she would have cried tears of laughter all the way to Jazzercise.”

It’s ok, Local Library, it really is. ?My kids don’t need your raffle tickets and plastic crap, but they do need sane Mommy. ?They don’t need a barrage of science experiments for kindys, but they do?need to play outside and get dirty and learn to entertain themselves. ?You’re forgiven Mr. Library, the studies point in my favor. ?And like I tell the kids, “Mom always wins.”