I come down the stairs amid a 6:45 am haze. The littlest has woken me up the same way she did yesterday- with her blood curdling there’s-a-serial-killer-in-my-bedroom scream. We grab her monkey and blankie and fight through hour #35 of this week- just me and the kids.
I can’t do it.
I look at the pile of dirty dishes. My to-do list litters my desk with a pile of uncut coupons and unpaid bills.
I’m weary again.
Joy escapes me and the weariness, and loneliness hits again. It comes in waves. On a quiet day I can tread the water and serve the meals and wipe bottoms- with smiles. On rough days my tone is angry. my voice speaks of rush, and I lack the grace for my kids that I so want them to see in me. I’m the worst role model.
I remember the words a former client said when I talked to him about working from home:
“You don’t want to be one of those women that just stays at home and decides which kind of cookies to bake.”
I push the toaster handle down and pour the water in the back of coffee pot. Dora the Explorer skips from Spanish to English in the background.
I set my devotional and Bible on the dining room table.
“God, is there more than this?”
How do I serve You and serve them and find peace and fulfillment in this?
My favorite Psalm is without a doubt, Psalm 139 which says,
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
By Thursday morning in the life of a stay-at-home-mom, you begin to feel invisible. Maybe a little lonely. Mostly a little insane. The work is mundane, exhausting, and mostly thankless. While you’re working, you receive the praise of clients and co-workers, but at-home, kids are sometimes our worst critics – “I don’t LIKE that vegetable! I don’t WANT to go there.”
While others may not see my efforts or praise my ability to tame a toddler during a diaper change (ahh), GOD SEES ME. He loves me. He’s there when I sit (do I even do that anymore?) and he’s there when I rise (even to screams)! He keeps me when I’m ready to JUST GIVE UP. I can rest without the praise of men when I know The One who is above all knows my heart and my need. Just like he knitted each child in my womb (v. 13, For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb); he hems me. He’s still molding and forming. His eye has not left me.
His grace is there. For the Thursday morning. Or the Monday evening. Or, say it ain’t so, 8:45 am on Sunday.
HE will bring me through.