I come down the stairs amid a 6:45 am haze. ?The littlest has woken me up the same way she did yesterday- with her blood curdling there’s-a-serial-killer-in-my-bedroom scream. ?We grab her monkey and blankie and?fight through hour #35 of this week- just me and the kids.
I can’t do it.
I look at the pile of dirty dishes. ?My to-do list litters my desk with a pile of uncut coupons and unpaid bills.
I’m weary again.
Joy escapes me and the weariness, and loneliness hits again. ?It comes in waves. ?On a quiet day I can tread the water and serve the meals and wipe bottoms- with smiles. ?On rough days my tone is angry. my voice speaks of rush, and I lack the grace for my kids that I so want them to see in me. ?I’m the worst role model.
I remember the words a former client said when I talked to him about working from home:
“You don’t want to be one of those women that just stays at home and decides which kind of cookies to bake.”
I push the toaster handle down and pour the water ?in the back of coffee pot. ?Dora the Explorer skips from Spanish to English in the background.
I set my devotional and Bible on the dining room table.
“God, is there more than this?”
How do I serve You and serve them and find peace and fulfillment in this?
My favorite Psalm is without a doubt, Psalm 139 which says,
You have searched me, Lord,
????and you know me.
2?You know when I sit and when I rise;
????you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3?You discern my going out and my lying down;
????you are familiar with all my ways.
4?Before a word is on my tongue
????you, Lord, know it completely.
5?You hem me in behind and before,
????and you lay your hand upon me.
6?Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
????too lofty for me to attain.
7?Where can I go from your Spirit?
????Where can I flee from your presence?
8?If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
????if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
By Thursday morning in the life of a stay-at-home-mom, you begin to feel invisible. ?Maybe a little lonely. ?Mostly a little insane. ?The work is mundane, exhausting, and mostly thankless. ?While you’re working, you receive?the praise of clients and co-workers, but at-home,?kids are sometimes our worst critics – “I don’t LIKE?that vegetable! I don’t WANT to go there.”
While others may not see my efforts or praise my ability to tame a toddler during a diaper change (ahh), GOD SEES ME. ?He loves me. ?He’s there when I sit (do I even do that anymore?) and he’s there when I rise (even to screams)! ?He keeps me when I’m ready to JUST GIVE UP. ?I can rest without the praise of men when I know The One who is above all knows my heart and my need. ?Just like he knitted each child in my womb (v. 13, For you created my inmost being;?you knit me together in my mother?s womb); he hems me. ?He’s still molding and forming. ?His eye has not left me.?
His grace is there. ?For the Thursday morning. ?Or the Monday evening. ?Or, say it ain’t so, 8:45 am on Sunday.
HE will bring me through.